Oh So Boring…

In one week, I start my new job at NASA-Goddard. In less than that, I leave my current one.

And I’m scared.

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Yes, the title is correct, I will be starting a new job soon.  Sigh.  I fear admitting that thinking it will all go away.  The pessimistic Matt rears his head again. And what follows is the stream of consciousness that occurs when I try to get personal…

I’ve decided to bit the bullet, as it were, and say it out loud:

I have a new job.

My last day as a postdoc at the Naval Research Laboratory is June 5.  My first day as a Senior Scientific Software Engineer at NASA Goddard Space Flight Center–as a contractor, not civil service–will be June 8. (Assuming the pre-employment drug check is good, etc., etc.)

And how do I feel?  I feel…scared. I feel…happy.  I feel nervous. Excited. Good. Bad. Yin. Yang.

First, the negative. Why should I feel anything negative?  Well, I suppose part of it is change. If there is one thing I’m afraid of, that’s it. I’ll also be leaving some very good friends and very, very good scientists at NRL. I’ve learned quite a bit there, and I’ve broadened my knowledge considerably.

Also, this job means a longer commute.  About 70 miles a day (round-trip) from where I presently live.  And, well, I like where I live. I like the area. I’m thinking I might try the commute out for a year or so, see if I can take it.  If not, I suppose I move to Maryland, but for now, I’ll be driving a while every day.

However, the most “negative” aspect is the fact that for the first time in more than a decade, I will not be a chemist. I’ve always self-identified as a chemist for most of my life. And yet, here I am, accepting a job that is primarily coding, and not chemistry.

I suppose that isn’t really surprising, though, if I look at my path.  My postdoc, while still theoretical chemistry, is a bit more on the computing side than the chemistry.  Sort of.  Hmm.

This leads into the my primary fear: that I won’t be able to do the job.  That they overestimated my abilities and that I’ll fail.

And yet, they did offer me the job. They do think I’m good enough to do the work. Thay I’m qualified.  So perhaps my fear should transform into a positive.

Positives. I have a job in this economy. Sure, it’s contracting, so it can disappear, but it’s a job. And it’s a job where tax is withheld! Nothing like two years of estimated taxes to make you look forward to money being taken from you every month!

And it’s a challenge. Part of me–and this surprises me–part of me is excited to start something new. To challenge myself in new ways. I did that when I came to NRL and it seems to have worked out despite my fears.

So, yes, I’m scared. I’m happy. I’m afraid. I’m eager.

Eep.

Sigh.  Just watched the report on “60 Minutes” about the death of DHL and the consequences of that on Wilmington.  Every day new reports on the economy, every day, bad reports on the economy.

And here I am…doing an NRC postdoc that I love, a contract job that ends the end of July.  Every week I send out resumes.  Every week I apply for jobs.

And yet I am picky.  Can I afford to be picky?  I say to myself, “I don’t want to do another postdoc.” I say, “I want a real job, with real responsibility.” And yet, all I see that fits my skillset are postdocs.  Every day a new postdoc call.  Every day another postdoc that I could do.  And yet I know I wouldn’t like it.

I can’t be picky, can I?  Am I allowed to say that I won’t apply because I won’t like the job?  A job is a job.  Who am I to say that every day?

And above all else, I am scared.  I am so scared.  I try not to let it show, and I think I’m mildly successful.  If nothing else, I can get through the day.  Every day.

But then comes the night.  At night, my stoicism fails.  At night, I become scared and I cannot stop myself.  Every night, I seem to experience some new fear.  Every night I seem to have fitful sleep, the sleep of the unsure, the sleep of the American worker.

And yet, every day I wake up.  Every day I go to work or I think about work.  I think how I can show the universe that I can do work, that I am worth work.

And I think about my family and how they love me.  How they support me.  Every day.

Finally, I think of one more person.  A person I care about more than I thought I ever could.  She is the bright light in my life. She is my surety in unsure times. I think of her every week.  Every day.  Every hour.  Ever.  Always.

And still, I am scared.