I’ve decided to bit the bullet, as it were, and say it out loud:

I have a new job.

My last day as a postdoc at the Naval Research Laboratory is June 5.  My first day as a Senior Scientific Software Engineer at NASA Goddard Space Flight Center–as a contractor, not civil service–will be June 8. (Assuming the pre-employment drug check is good, etc., etc.)

And how do I feel?  I feel…scared. I feel…happy.  I feel nervous. Excited. Good. Bad. Yin. Yang.

First, the negative. Why should I feel anything negative?  Well, I suppose part of it is change. If there is one thing I’m afraid of, that’s it. I’ll also be leaving some very good friends and very, very good scientists at NRL. I’ve learned quite a bit there, and I’ve broadened my knowledge considerably.

Also, this job means a longer commute.  About 70 miles a day (round-trip) from where I presently live.  And, well, I like where I live. I like the area. I’m thinking I might try the commute out for a year or so, see if I can take it.  If not, I suppose I move to Maryland, but for now, I’ll be driving a while every day.

However, the most “negative” aspect is the fact that for the first time in more than a decade, I will not be a chemist. I’ve always self-identified as a chemist for most of my life. And yet, here I am, accepting a job that is primarily coding, and not chemistry.

I suppose that isn’t really surprising, though, if I look at my path.  My postdoc, while still theoretical chemistry, is a bit more on the computing side than the chemistry.  Sort of.  Hmm.

This leads into the my primary fear: that I won’t be able to do the job.  That they overestimated my abilities and that I’ll fail.

And yet, they did offer me the job. They do think I’m good enough to do the work. Thay I’m qualified.  So perhaps my fear should transform into a positive.

Positives. I have a job in this economy. Sure, it’s contracting, so it can disappear, but it’s a job. And it’s a job where tax is withheld! Nothing like two years of estimated taxes to make you look forward to money being taken from you every month!

And it’s a challenge. Part of me–and this surprises me–part of me is excited to start something new. To challenge myself in new ways. I did that when I came to NRL and it seems to have worked out despite my fears.

So, yes, I’m scared. I’m happy. I’m afraid. I’m eager.

Eep.

Due to budgetary conditions, we are putting the position you applied for on hold.

Ah…economy.

The kinda scary thing is this is a government position. Well, one of those places run by a company under the aegis of the government.  Still, guess I thought that this place wouldn’t get hit…

…I was wrong.

First up, there was AAAS. I had previously blogged about how one day I saw in their system that I was “Not Selected” and then reclassified as “Eligible”.  I contacted them about this and they said “Oh, just a mistake.”  Well, turns out, even if they say that was a mistake…not a mistake.  It was a longshot, I know, which is probably why it doesn’t sting too bad.  Plus, well, I already went through my five stages of grief with that one a while back.

However, I was also rejected today by Boston University.  This one does kinda hurt.  Not too much since it’s been about 3 months since I interviewed.  Not a good sign, uno.  And about a month since I contacted them to see what was going on.  Not a good sign, deux.  So, yeah, it was expected.

The sting comes from the fact that I was pretty damn perfect for this job.  Maybe I was overqualified, I don’t know…that depends on seeing who actually got the job.  It was for a Manager of Computation Resources for the Chemistry Department.  I’m a chemist whose used chemical computing for 10 years.  I’ve also spent most of that time administering my own workstations, worked on clusters, &c., &c.

So, I guess what’s in my mind is that I couldn’t even land a job I was pretty much made for.  What does that say about my future chances for a job?

Sigh.

Ah well, another day, another rejection, another application.

Round and round we go…

And, yeah, I know that I’m not alone in this.  The economy sucks for us all.

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG*

That was for you and for me.

The story behind this starts a few days ago when I went back to AAAS because…I dunno, I’m a masochist?  While there, I noticed that my status had changed from “Not Selected” to “Eligible”.  Thus: confusion.

So, heeding the words of my friends in regards to the job search, I decided to be aggressive (for me) and write and ask them what was going on.

Turns out the system apparently marked a few applications “Not Selected” inadvertently.  Mine happened to be one of them.  It’s “good” to know that without my job OCD, I might have avoided all those fun emotions.

Oh, and I have decided to squelch that voice inside me that is saying “There is a reason only a few apps, including yours, got marked that way, Matt.”  I have promised her, my love, that this week I am positive.  So, I will be positive for her.

So, I’ve resolved myself to not worry at all about jobs, the economy, my future, none of that for one week.

I will be more confident for my friends.  I’m sure they are tired of hearing me whine about life and all.  I flinch when I think of the “why me” I have inflicted on my Twitter and Facebook friends. So this week, they get only a bright outlook from me.

I will be more confident for my family.  They are never anything but positive and supportive of me.  I should return the damn favor for once.  I owe them more than that, but let this be one small step in that direction.

I will be more confident for her.  My light and my love…she is never anything but confident in me. For me not to feel the same about myself diminishes her.  I will not do that.  Besides, this week is a stressful one for her.  Preparing for an interview is something that needs no distractions.  So this week, I will be there for her.  I will be her rock this week.  I will be there to boost her confidence, if need be.  I will be her jester, if she needs a laugh.  I know she has done and will do the same for me.

I will be more confident for me.  Selfish, I know, but it’s the kind of selfishness that is good for you.  For one week, I will feel good about myself.  I will feel good about who I am and what I’ve accomplished.  I will trust that my skills will find a place in this economy.  I will accept that my job is *not* who I am.  I will learn that I can do this.  I will be better than I was.

I will be confident.

And here I am…doing an NRC postdoc that I love, a contract job that ends the end of July.  Every week I send out resumes.  Every week I apply for jobs.

And yet I am picky.  Can I afford to be picky?  I say to myself, “I don’t want to do another postdoc.” I say, “I want a real job, with real responsibility.” And yet, all I see that fits my skillset are postdocs.  Every day a new postdoc call.  Every day another postdoc that I could do.  And yet I know I wouldn’t like it.

I can’t be picky, can I?  Am I allowed to say that I won’t apply because I won’t like the job?  A job is a job.  Who am I to say that every day?

And above all else, I am scared.  I am so scared.  I try not to let it show, and I think I’m mildly successful.  If nothing else, I can get through the day.  Every day.

But then comes the night.  At night, my stoicism fails.  At night, I become scared and I cannot stop myself.  Every night, I seem to experience some new fear.  Every night I seem to have fitful sleep, the sleep of the unsure, the sleep of the American worker.

And yet, every day I wake up.  Every day I go to work or I think about work.  I think how I can show the universe that I can do work, that I am worth work.

And I think about my family and how they love me.  How they support me.  Every day.

Finally, I think of one more person.  A person I care about more than I thought I ever could.  She is the bright light in my life. She is my surety in unsure times. I think of her every week.  Every day.  Every hour.  Ever.  Always.

And still, I am scared.

I suppose if I *had* gotten that fellowship, I’d have been working at the State Department.  Working at State means wearing a suit.

Fun fact: one of my few goals in life is to never have to wear a suit every day to work.  I truly think I would be happiest not in a suit.  Seeing my father change out of his suit about 3 milliseconds after he got home drove the fact that suits might not be super-comfortable.

I decided to look at AAAS’ site to see how my application was going for an AAAS Science and Technology Postdoctoral Fellowship, namely a Diplomacy Fellowship.  Sure, I knew I didn’t exactly have a shot at it.  I have no real experience with diplomacy, and my political experience is that of an interested hobbyist.  But, stranger things have happened.

So I go to the site, and I see:

Didn’t even make it past the first round of reviews…

It was at this point I experienced that special blend of “pissed off” and “crushing sadness” that a job search can so easily produce.

I worked hard on that application…maybe not hard enough? Sigh.

Well, now it’s time to send off thank you letters to those people who were kind enough to write letters of reference for me.  Sorry I wasted their time and tested their patience with this.