Oh So Boring…

This is a post I don’t want to write. This is a post I think I have to.

I’m writing this post for me, really. As a way to process my thoughts. As a way to get through them.

That means it’s gonna be a rambler.

Last night, my father had a heart attack. A cardiac episode. Whatever. My father was in pain. Extreme pain. For hours.

Now the first thing I want to say is that he is okay. After a harrowing night and morning, he was diagnosed with a blocked coronary artery and had a stent placed to reopen the blood vessel. He called not too long ago and he was his joke-making, affable self.

Hearing that was a great relief. I should be happy. And yet there is this part of me that can’t be. A part angry at myself.

I know, I’m stupid. That’s why I’m doing this. Write it all down to let the rational part of my brain pound it into my stupid rest-of-brain.

I’m mad that I am here in DC while he is there in Colorado and I wasn’t there for him.

I’m mad I wasn’t there at night when he was in pain.

I’m mad that I wasn’t there at his side in the hospital.

I’m mad I wasn’t there when he went into surgery.

I’m mad that the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him right away. I know that life isn’t “ER” or whatever, but I don’t want it to be “House” either, waiting around for tests after tests.

Let’s notch up the insanity. I’m mad at my new job that I don’t have the freedom to fly back and see him. Which, of course, means I’m back to being mad at me for taking this job. Because obviously I could have and/or should have anticipated this.

I’m mad that I haven’t called my father, my mother more. I’m mad that I haven’t visited them more.

I’m mad that I’m bothering anyone out there reading this.

As I said, I’m writing this to allow my rational brain to convince the rest of it to shut up.  So, now, what am I thankful for…

I’m thankful that my father is alive. That he’s okay. That he sounds good.

I’m thankful for the good people at Good Samaritan for fixing up my dad.

I’m thankful for my mother who was a rock today.

I’m thankful for my sister who kept me sane through her calls today.

I’m thankful for friends that show me kindness, be it today, any day.

I’m thankful that I have more time to love my father, my mother, my sister, my uncle, my friends. To tell them what they mean to me.

I’m thankful for the reminder to make every moment count.

I’m thankful.

I’m thankful.

I’m thankful.