Jul 24, 2009
The Look
Folks, this is going to be one of those whiny, diary posts. Thus, I am inserting a cut here. If you don’t want to read it, yeah…probably not worth it. (This is assuming anyone will read this. But I’ll take the ego boost and pretend many will.)
What I’m going to blog on about today is probably going to be rambling, long and boring. But, I find, sometimes, I need to write things out to get them off my chest, so to speak.
Alright, if you’ve stuck around, you’re either me, a masochist, or Google’s spider. Don’t say I haven’t warned you.
First off, from the title of this post, I wanted to talk about “the look”. What I mean by this is probably something a good 70-80% of people have seen. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m the only one it’s happened to, I’m not, but, well, I’m writing this, so there.
“The look” is that look I–almost invariably–get to see on a woman’s face the first time she meets me. It’s a look of disappointment, a look of “oh…he looks like that…he’s that fat…oh”. Most of the women I’ve met here in DC, I’ve met online. And, yeah, they’ve seen my picture online, but those pics don’t really convey my size.
Yep, it’s a “I’m fat” whine. And, yes, I know, it’s my fault I’m this size and I have no one to blame but myself. I guess it gets to me because of a few things. First, I suppose being a large man since, oh, ever, I’m never had the “luxury” of being able to judge people by their looks or size. If I’d have done that, I’d have had very few friends in high school, and I’d have missed out on some damn good friends.
I guess I get down when I see that “look” more because it discourages me from the progress I have made. I am big right now, no doubt. Fat, and way too fat at that.
But compared to my biggest size? I am petite. I am down a good 15, 16 inches on my waist from my most inflated-ness. I currently wear 2XL/2XLT shirts. Hell, I damn near cried the first time I realized I was getting near to buying shirts from a “normal” section of the store.
Plus, this year, I’ve lost about 10 pounds. I know to most people that is a pretty sad number, but it takes effort for me to lose weight, and when I do, I tend to keep it off permanently. So I am proud of every one of those. Proud of the effort I put in and…just proud.
I suppose, thinking it over, the reason why “the look” hits me so hard, is that it makes me feel bad about me. Odd that. It should make me feel sorry for her and yet, well, my brain just can’t do that. I operate from a base of “every person is fundamentally a damn good person” and so I see any look of disappointment or feeling of failure or whatever as something I’ve done wrong.
So, when I see that disappointment, I feel disappointed in me. Disappointed that I’ve only lost that 15 inches. Only lost that 10 lbs. Only down to a 2XLT. I start to feel that I was a damn fool to think that someone as beautiful as the woman with “that look” would ever want to be with me. The fact that I now see she feels that way is no solace, I just can’t seem to shrug it off.
But this was something I had to get off my chest. Something I had to write down. It’s a hard process for me to accept I’m not a bad person, after many years (and counting) of being shown I’m not every time I see that “look”.
Well, first I’ll just say that I’m the masochist. Ok. Got that out of the way.
I’m sad after reading this post. I have a lot of different thoughts.
You write, “I operate from a base of “every person is fundamentally a damn good person” and so I see any look of disappointment or feeling of failure or whatever as something I’ve done wrong.” I just want to say that I can relate so well to this statement. I too tend to do this. Internalize an feeling external to me that has nothing to do with me really. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot in the past week actually. How it’s not only that I believe in the intrinsic goodness of mankind but that deep down inside there’s a part of me that is afraid that I’m actually bad. Or maybe a part of me that really believes that I am bad. Comes from childhood shit…
Regarding your size…
I think that the fact that you lost as much as you did already is definitely an accomplishment and something to be proud of. And I’m glad that you are able to recognize and tell yourself that. Because only you know how hard it is and what exactly 10 pounds means to you.
I cant imagine how it is to get that look all the time. I know it must really feel horrible though. I can imagine that it feels really depressing to lose a woman who didnt look at you like that and who appreciated you for who you are. I wish that didnt happen to you.
Only you know what you really want regarding your weight. Only you know what you really can do. If it is really really important to you, there are little ways that you can change your lifestyle and maybe lose a bit more weight. But only if it’s for you. Because those people who give you the look arent important enough to lose weight for anyway. Actually, no one besides yourself is that important. And honestly, it is important for you. Nevermind the aesthetics, just for your health. And I’m not downplaying the fact that it is very very hard to do and takes time and effort. I believe that when you’re ready, you’ll do it. It’s apparent that you put a lot of effort into it already and come a long way. I have faith that you’ll get there.
Don’t apologize for whining on your own blog. Don’t hide your posts. You’re entitled to whine and bitch as much as you want on here and if we don’t want to read it then we dont have to. Don’t put yourself down for expressing your feelings. It’s already enough that other people put you down. Don’t do it to yourself too. You dont deserve that.
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Thank you, my friend, for just reading, for listening. *HUG* Thank you.
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[...] never expected to hear from again. Why? Well, she was the most recent of women from whom I received The Look. Thus, getting that message was [...]